“What ruins relationships and causes most fights is insecurity” — Olivia Wilde
Insecurity is an inner feeling of being threatened or a feeling of being inadequate in some way. We’ve all felt it at one time or another. But while it’s quite normal to have feelings of self-doubt once in a while, chronic insecurity can sabotage your success in life and can be particularly damaging to your relationships. Chronic insecurity robs you of your peace and prevents you from being able to engage with friends in a comfortable and authentic way. Some of the actions that can come from insecurity are: always asking for reassurance, jealousy, accusing, and snooping can erode trust. These actions are not attractive, and can cause combative tension, disappointment or rob relationships of the joy Christ blessed you with.
While many people tend to think that insecurity comes from something that others said or did, the reality is that most insecurity comes from inside ourselves. The feeling can start early in life with an insecure attachment to your parents or can develop after being hurt or rejected by someone you care about. Insecurities are maintained and built upon when you negatively compare yourself to other people and harshly judge yourself with critical inner dialogue. The majority of relationship insecurity is based on irrational thoughts and fears. Fears that you are not good enough, that you will not be OK without a friendship, or even that you are not truly liked or lovable.
When you start to notice that sinking feeling of insecurity there are a few things you can do:
- Take stock of your value!
You are God’s masterpiece. You are created in His image. The reason you have value is because of what God says about you, not because of what other people say about you.
If you are a Christ-follower then you are His new creation. Real self-esteem comes from three facts:
- God created you.
- Jesus died for you.
- God lives in you (Christ lives in you! Holy Spirit is in you all the time!)
- Build your self-esteem.
Research shows that people with insecurities tend to have poorer self-esteem. When you aren’t feeling good about who you are on the inside, it is natural to want to look outside of yourself for validation. However, trying to feel good by getting approval from others is a losing situation for any relationship. When your well-being depends on someone else, you give away all of your power.
If you are a Christ-follower God tells us that He has given us our gifts for a purpose (1 Corinthians 12:4-6). You are needed! You are needed in His church, in your community, and there is someone who will benefit because of who you are and your gifts and talents.
Learn to silence your inner critic and practice self-confidence because of who you are in Christ, and retrain yourself to focus on the aspects of yourself you like instead of the ones you don’t like.
- Keep your independence.
Only you can control how others impact what’s inside of you. In Christ we are free! “Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law” (Galatians 5:1). Only you are responsible for how you respond to people, for how you choose to forgive, and for how you live your life. God wants to be with you and direct you as He lives in you, but you must choose to walk in His Spirit.
- Trust in yourself or better yet trust God.
Feeling secure in a relationship depends on trusting the other person but, more importantly, it depends on learning to trust yourself. Trust yourself to know that no matter what the other person does, you will take care of you. Trust yourself to know that you won’t ignore your inner voice when it tells you that something isn’t right. Trust yourself not to hide your feelings, trust yourself to make sure your needs are met, and trust yourself that you won’t lose your sense of self-identity.
When you trust yourself, feeling secure is almost a given, but when you completely trust God you can be confident that He will always fulfill His promises.
Trusting God is simply believing that He loves you, He’s good, He has the power to help you, He wants to help you, and He will help you. In John 15:5, Jesus says that apart from Him, we can do nothing. We need to lean on Him for help with everything in our lives. He wants us to put our confidence and trust in Him, all the time, in everything.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
Think about what it would mean for you to “trust God with all your heart”? That can only come from coming to an end of yourself: self-serving, selfishness, self-righteousness, self-interests to name a few. We generally only grow in trust at moments of extremity. God wants to be Lord of our life and therefore taking us to the end of our rope is really taking us to the end of ourselves.
The apostle Paul says it best. He said Christianity starts from God, it only works through God, and it ends up going back to God: “For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever!” (Romans 11:36).
Neil Anderson (Bondage Breaker) states, “THE MORE YOU REAFFIRM WHO YOU ARE IN CHRIST, the more your behavior will begin to reflect your true identity!“
